Fare thee well, my little Sparky…

April 6th, 2010 1 comment »

If the talk on the preschool playground where I hang out is any indication, hamster funerals are a pretty common event. Cardboard boxes are too ordinary. Why not perform the ritual with the gravitas usually reserved for Egyptian Pharoahs?

Artist Russ Esse decided to throw cost considerations out the window, employing sterling silver and Swarovski crystal in the making of a tiny pottery coffin, replete with a basket of clay sunflower seeds for “that special departed Hamster or mouse that has given you joy” to “feed your pet on his journey to the afterworld.”

Apparently, seller ebanners feels that much of its marketability comes from its documented history as the butt-end of a Jay Leno joke, and offers written proof that it was part of a comedy bit. Even though the hamster coffin has previously toured the weird eBay sites, I think that this item is quirky enough to warrant interest all on its own.

The coffin comes at a buy it now price of $17,950, but be warned – it “will not fit large rats guinea pigs or broken Zhu Zhu hamsters.”

Visit the hamster coffin auction.

Cock of ages

April 3rd, 2010 1 comment »

Excavated from some deep crevasse in the state of Washington comes a slab of rock that looks exactly like… well… a penis.

According to eBay seller honestybusybee “this wonderful piece of art was created by the greatest Artist of them all: ‘GOD’!!!” With circum…spection, this seems unusual, especially given the surgical cut of the stone. But who are we to question the forces that created this stubby, metamorphic lingam?

After ostensibly finding this earth-formed creation somewhere out on the long and dusty trail, then keeping it around the house for four years of “great conversations and many laughs,” the seller has finally decided that she is wiling to part with it. And it’s starting bid begins at a mere quarter of a million dollars.

Visit the “look rare art million dollar penis rock unique hot” auction.

Paris Hilton does it, why not this guy?

November 17th, 2009 1 comment »

One of those tragic realities of modern American life is that someone like Paris Hilton and a long string of reality stars with no discernible talent can be paid enormous sums of money just for making “appearances” at trendy nightclubs.

So, why shouldn’t some random dude on eBay be able to get someone to pay him $5,000 for his “presence?”

Seller olpelambert is looking for someone with cash to burn to fly him somewhere in the U.S. to have one guaranteed attendee at your next soiree, or plant tulips for you, or, apparently give you an “honest” opinion about your choices in living room art. He’s also willing to hang around for a weekend to act like a suckup or make sarcastic comments.

He draws the line when it comes to “dirty old women trying to get their rocks off with a queer” or leaving the country. But you’re welcome to visit him in the Midwest if you want to “most likely suffer the verbal abuse” of his friends.

His qualifications are described thusly: “I mean after all, I always show up fashionably late and grace the world with my presence simply by rolling out of bed each morning so I should get paid for it anyway.”

His warranty is similarly customer-friendly: “there are absolutely NO RETURNS if you are unsatisfied with this product. If you are unsatisfied with my weekend presence, you can simply go to my (well its someone else’s number) customer satisfaction line of 1-800-Go-Away.”

Visit the “My Presence” auction.

Cigars, bars & dinosaurs

October 19th, 2009 No comments »

You like to spend your weekends with fine cigars, cognac and fashionable tiki bars, don’t you?

It goes to figure then, that you also love doing these things in the shadow of a nice, life-sized replica of Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Ebay seller “Bars, Cigars and Brew: Purveyors of Fine Living” offers humidors, jewelry, antique furniture and glassware, and apparently, competitive pricing ($25K) on Jurassic, 20-foot-tall dinosaur statues. They are shipped in 40-foot crates from the Philippines, which, if you ask me, has all of the makings of a bizarre action movie sequence.

Visit the life-sized dinosaur auction.

Hair Trek

September 1st, 2009 No comments »

hairlockWhen you were young, you dreamed of strapping on a backpack and becoming a nomadic acquaintance of the hostels of the globe, ever more worldly where art and methods of transportation and cheeses are concerned. Yet a lack of material resources, motivation or courage kept you from seeing it through.

No worries! Just channel your inner international hobo by making a toupée or fake eyelashes or anything else you can make with human locks from seller trykp’s “Adventure Hair” auction.

A young man who started his world travels with a Mon Chi Chi haircut of less than one inch, he offers “12+ Months of rich brown hair,” freshly cut. He offers a history of his hair’s world travels, from the Mediterranean in Europe and Africa (including a dip in the Dead Sea), down to the Outback and up through Eastern Asia. There are even small details about his coiffure in his description: “During my stay in the mediteranean [sic] sun, My hair lightened due to the lemon blonde gel i used at the time.” He promises to share more details of his trip with his buyer.

Along with the caveat that he’ll use the sale of the hair to help him pay for college, trykp makes his case for its value:

“I have ventured the globe, swam in raging waters, climbed 90 degree mountains, skied down avalanche potential slopes. I have done wheelies on motorcycles, fought wildlife, cheated death in a near fatal car and motorcycle accident. During this long rough and exciting year, the only souvenir i have is my Hair.”

Visit the adventure hair auction.

Get your G.I. Joe doll “reflocked”

August 27th, 2009 1 comment »

If you’ve spent so many nights snuggling your 1960s-era G.I. Joe figurine that his flocked, fuzzy hair  is now worn down with bald patches, there’s a solution available! According to AstroJoe11, his “Rug Ratz Flocking Service” can rejuvenate your doll’s scalp better than the Hair Club for Men for under $10.

“ANY GI JOE OR ACTION FIGURE HEAD CAN NOW BE PROFESSIONALLY REFLOCKED FOR A FRACTION OF THE COST FROM THE OTHER GUYS!!” reads the enthusiastic listing. ” YEP, WE HAVE DEVELOPED A VERY HIGH GRADE, INEXPENSIVE WAY TO TURN YOUR BURN OUT JOE HEAD INTO THAT FRESH, OFF THE SHELF LOOK!!”

Visit the G.I. Joe head reflocking listing.

I sing the body geriatric

August 25th, 2009 No comments »
Geri

GERI

When seller tnbettyboop went on a 5-state yard sale tour to see what she could find, it’s doubtful that she imagined finding this.

“My partner and I both spotted this beauty at the same time,” she says in the auction description. “She was sitting on a saddle, draped in a red Matador’s cape, SO INTRIGUING! No wig, a man’s face and grandma’s boobs.”

While she looks like she should be a prop in some esoteric independent film, “GERI” is, in fact, a learning device for nursing students who work with geriatric patients. She has bedsores, cancerous (and noncancerous) moles, injection panels on her arms, differently sized pupils and real genitalia for catheter practice (this one has female parts, but a full, new model can apparently be switched out for male bits).

A “Simulaid” in the tradition of Rescue/CPR Annie, Geri is proof that medical education prop makers don’t like to sugar coat  the nature of the human body. Other products on their web site include “Fat Old Fred,” “ALS trauma head,” “EVA the Gynecologic Manikin,” and even the all-new “CasPer the CPR dog.”

Visit the “GERI: The Complete Nursing Skills Manikin” auction

Say “CHUBBY BUNNY”

August 22nd, 2009 No comments »

A few weeks ago, my four-year-old came home from camp, complaining of a pain at the gum line of one of his bottom teeth.

When I asked him how it happened, he told me that another boy did it to him. Alarmed that maybe my kid had been punched in the face without anyone noticing, I probed a little more.

“He didn’t hit me. He didn’t mean it,” my son said. “He was just chubby cheeking me!”

If you also enjoy various forms of facial persecution, eBay has a box of four life-sized fiberglass heads available. A rod with bolts pulls appears to pull the the cheeks together and the eyes are sewn shut. And you can paint them whatever color your heart desires.

Visit the “Tortured Face” auction.

Kitchen Voodoo

August 22nd, 2009 2 comments »

Whether you have horrible, scarring childhood memories of a particular individual, have experienced a wrenching breakup or were simply fired by someone clearly dumber and/or less ethical than yourself, eBay seller “hellomygoodbuys” would like to give you a way to exorcise your homicidal tendencies.

The “Ex Knife Set” is a storage unit in which you can plunge five sharp utensils into a body that lives on your kitchen counter. The featureless form stands in a stunned posture and has highly visible entrance and exit wounds. One customer did suggest that the plastic item seemed like it would have been better as a ceramic piece, but they claimed to still be happy with the purchase. No one in the seller feedback made any claims as to its therapeutic benefits.

See one of the “Ex Knife Set” auctions. Or visit the seller’s store, where the set also comes in red, pink and other colors.

Tampon Mona Lisa

August 21st, 2009 1 comment »

The most famous half smile in history. Is she keeping a secret or being coy? To seller “ylyly,” that enigmatic expression conceals a need for Motrin concealed inside of it. Leonardo’s Mona Lisa is, in fact, the Aunt Flo-na Lisa. In 2005, he festooned an image of the infamous daughter of a Florentine silk merchant with the finery of modern menstrual technology – about 200 Tampax tampons.

Actually, “ylyly”(better known on YouTube as parody artist and poet Dave Morice), doesn’t really explain why he felt the need to “tampoon” one of the Louvre’s best-known treasures, but he does chronicle the process of creating his homage and the variety of responses he’s received about her, including words of shame from a Midwestern librarian and support and encouragement from Tampax corporate:

Morice is selling Tampon Mona Lisa for a minimum bid of $2,600, along with a collection of comments that he’s received about her during earlier attempts to sell her on eBay.

Visit the tampon Mona Lisa auction