Excavated from some deep crevasse in the state of Washington comes a slab of rock that looks exactly like… well… a penis.
According to eBay seller honestybusybee “this wonderful piece of art was created by the greatest Artist of them all: ‘GOD’!!!” With circum…spection, this seems unusual, especially given the surgical cut of the stone. But who are we to question the forces that created this stubby, metamorphic lingam?
After ostensibly finding this earth-formed creation somewhere out on the long and dusty trail, then keeping it around the house for four years of “great conversations and many laughs,” the seller has finally decided that she is wiling to part with it. And it’s starting bid begins at a mere quarter of a million dollars.
One of those tragic realities of modern American life is that someone like Paris Hilton and a long string of reality stars with no discernible talent can be paid enormous sums of money just for making “appearances” at trendy nightclubs.
So, why shouldn’t some random dude on eBay be able to get someone to pay him $5,000 for his “presence?”
Seller olpelambert is looking for someone with cash to burn to fly him somewhere in the U.S. to have one guaranteed attendee at your next soiree, or plant tulips for you, or, apparently give you an “honest” opinion about your choices in living room art. He’s also willing to hang around for a weekend to act like a suckup or make sarcastic comments.
He draws the line when it comes to “dirty old women trying to get their rocks off with a queer” or leaving the country. But you’re welcome to visit him in the Midwest if you want to “most likely suffer the verbal abuse” of his friends.
His qualifications are described thusly: “I mean after all, I always show up fashionably late and grace the world with my presence simply by rolling out of bed each morning so I should get paid for it anyway.”
His warranty is similarly customer-friendly: “there are absolutely NO RETURNS if you are unsatisfied with this product. If you are unsatisfied with my weekend presence, you can simply go to my (well its someone else’s number) customer satisfaction line of 1-800-Go-Away.”
The most famous half smile in history. Is she keeping a secret or being coy? To seller “ylyly,” that enigmatic expression conceals a need for Motrin concealed inside of it. Leonardo’s Mona Lisa is, in fact, the Aunt Flo-na Lisa. In 2005, he festooned an image of the infamous daughter of a Florentine silk merchant with the finery of modern menstrual technology – about 200 Tampax tampons.
Actually, “ylyly”(better known on YouTube as parody artist and poet Dave Morice), doesn’t really explain why he felt the need to “tampoon” one of the Louvre’s best-known treasures, but he does chronicle the process of creating his homage and the variety of responses he’s received about her, including words of shame from a Midwestern librarian and support and encouragement from Tampax corporate:
Morice is selling Tampon Mona Lisa for a minimum bid of $2,600, along with a collection of comments that he’s received about her during earlier attempts to sell her on eBay.
If you routinely pack a lunch for a kid at school, you already know that the peanut is a formidable and mighty foe, feared by many (and with good reason). But striped peanut that is “mystical”? That’s news to me.
The nature of its mystical powers are unclear, but eBay seller drew33 wants at least $10,000 for “one of the finest examples of peanut striping in the nation, possibly the world,” discovered at a burger joint in Saratoga, New York. But you must be willing to pick it up somewhere along the Hudson River, between Saratoga and New York City.
Pictures reveal that it is, in fact, a marvelously striped peanut, with a value-added image of the peanut in a “psychedelic environment,” because any serious bidder would want to “see the actual peanut in a unique environment.”
Of course, no peanut is perfect, and the seller calls your attention to that fact, noting that, “like the Liberty Bell, the striped nut is actually cracked down one side.”
So, is the seller hallucinating, is this some kind of oddball marketing stunt for the burger joint he mentions, or what?
According to seller slimypebblecollege, he’s both “the eBay Poet Laureate and next Bukowski.” Because clearly, what the world needs now is another Bukowski.
“My style is a combo of Dr. Seuss, Woody Guthrie, and Charles Bukowski with a dash of Sylvia Plath and a twist of Bill Knott (at least that is what Al N. Ginsberg told me once),” he says.
In case you buy his claim, you can bid on one of his poems and he will send it to you in the mail. In more flush times, some might pay $5 for that description alone, but so far with 8 bids and a handful of hours left to go, the standing price is 55 cents.
So, seller walt**maxi’s mom put a plastic cup in the washer and dryer in the 1970s, and it so resembled a tushie that they’ve kept it in the china cabinet for over 30 years. At long last, the day has come for the family to say its goodbyes to the “sexy butt cup,” for a minimum bid of $495.
Perhaps because dogs are known to enjoy a good derriere, 10 percent of the auction proceeds will go to the Humane Society of Louisiana.
It’s a well-established fact that Ohio has more alien abduction stories and Bigfoot sightings than the average state. If you happen to live here, this description of a mounted fish, its arguments with an electronic singing sea bass and its owner’s alien-forced pickle-eating contests (replete with gratuitous John Wayne quotes) should make perfect sense to you.*
How do folks capitalize on the death of Michael Jackson on eBay? Let us count the ways.
If you run an underground cloning facility, you may be interested in the DNA strand of auctions that include a piece of MJ’s hair.
Artists that few, or possibly no one has heard of are busy asking for big bucks if they happened to dash off an image of Jackson. After all, you’d like to drop 50 grand on a “surrealist” oil painting of the 1980s-era MJ by someone calling themselves “artist,” wouldn’t you? How about if they throw in another painting called “Light House at Valcour Island in Plattsburgh Adirondack” with it? Or what about a portrait of the many faces of MJ in fabric, by “huge fan/artist Angela Chambers.” She also intends to let it go for a $50K minimum bid. An Israeli artist morphed her face with Jackson’s in a broken nose portrait that she’s asking $12,000 for.
On the other hand, while I’m not sure who Vinzent Massi is, this 3-foot tall Michael Jackson marionette looks kind of cool.
Since any jackoff can buy a domain name for pocket change and resell it to the highest bidder, just about every jackoff that knows this has purchased a Michael Jackson-related name and put it on eBay. For a minimum $2 million bid one Californian would like to sell you the macabre domain name michaeljacksondied.com. While a slightly more imaginative seller from Bowling Green, Ohio has every variation on michaeljacksonwalksthemoon.com. And that barely scratches the surface when it comes to potential web site addresses, there are dozens, if not hundreds, of others.Despite the fact that the seller is admittedly unsure that his car is the real deal, several people are bidding on a 1971 Cadillac Fleetwood that ostensibly belonged to the Jackson family when the boys were kids.
If you’re lonely for Michael Jackson and wish you could have a two-dimensional reminder of him around your house like a perpetual party guest, you can bid $750,000 on a life-sized cardboard standup of him from the “Bad” era.
While I’m not walking around with a spare $300,000 these days, I am a bit partial to this candid photo, given as a gift to a fan by one of MJ’s tour bus drivers. If you ever want to find out if a musician is a decent person or a spoiled tyrant, there’s a good chance that their tour bus driver has a strong idea.
There’s also a cute story in an auction for a photo MJ signed for Frank Gorshin, The Riddler on the Batman TV series, and longtime Vegas showman. Apparently he helped school Jackson and his family in many Vegas stage tricks in the early 1970s, and MJ called him a few times to say thanks. More details are promised to the winning bidder.
Seller citbit336 is certain that she has written the first lyrics written in memory of Michael Jackson, that’s anyone has put up for sale on eBay, anyway. All she will share is the title — “Farewell King,” but she’s willing to reveal the rest to you for a minimum $50K bid. If you can’t go for that, she’s got lots of Mary Kay products you might like.
There are a smattering of things that the gloved one actually wore. Since hats were long one of Jackson’s essential dance props, there are several bearing his official stamp for sale. Seller jackmsell has a signed Michael Jackson fedora, along with additional auctions for an autographed tour program and “other toys.” An undisclosed percentage of the proceeds will apparently go to the American Heart Association. A more audacious seller is asking $500,000 for a “Billie Jean hat” thrown from the stage during the 1984 “Victory” tour. Don’t care for hats? Try this $40K brooch.
Remember when Jackson’s hair caught on fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial? Commemorate those days with your own rare Hebrew Pepsi can. The starting bid is only $6,000!
Excavated from some deep crevasse in the state of Washington comes a slab of rock that looks exactly like… well… a penis.
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Divine and celebrity-shaped food is an eBay cliché at this point.
