How do folks capitalize on the death of Michael Jackson on eBay? Let us count the ways.

If you run an underground cloning facility, you may be interested in the DNA strand of auctions that include a piece of MJ’s hair.

Artists that few, or possibly no one has heard of are busy asking for big bucks if they happened to dash off an image of Jackson. After all, you’d like to drop 50 grand on a “surrealist” oil painting of the 1980s-era MJ by someone calling themselves “artist,” wouldn’t you? How about if they throw in another painting called “Light House at Valcour Island in Plattsburgh Adirondack” with it? Or what about a portrait of the many faces of MJ in fabric, by “huge fan/artist Angela Chambers.” She also intends to let it go for a $50K minimum bid. An Israeli artist morphed her face with Jackson’s in a broken nose portrait that she’s asking $12,000 for.

On the other hand, while I’m not sure who Vinzent Massi is, this 3-foot tall Michael Jackson marionette looks kind of cool.

Since any jackoff can buy a domain name for pocket change and resell it to the highest bidder, just about every jackoff that knows this has purchased a Michael Jackson-related name and put it on eBay. For a minimum $2 million bid one Californian would like to sell you the macabre domain name michaeljacksondied.com. While a slightly more imaginative seller from Bowling Green, Ohio has every variation on michaeljacksonwalksthemoon.com.  And that barely scratches the surface when it comes to potential web site addresses, there are dozens, if not hundreds, of others.Despite the fact that the seller is admittedly unsure that his car is the real deal, several people are bidding on a 1971 Cadillac Fleetwood that ostensibly belonged to the Jackson family when the boys were kids.

If you’re lonely for Michael Jackson and wish you could have a two-dimensional reminder of him around your house like a perpetual party guest, you can bid $750,000 on a life-sized cardboard standup of him from the “Bad” era.

While I’m not walking around with a spare $300,000 these days, I am a bit partial to this candid photo, given as a gift to a fan by one of MJ’s tour bus drivers. If you ever want to find out if a musician is a decent person or a spoiled tyrant, there’s a good chance that their tour bus driver has a strong idea.

There’s also a cute story in an auction for a photo MJ signed for Frank Gorshin, The Riddler on the Batman TV series, and longtime Vegas showman. Apparently he helped school Jackson and his family in many Vegas stage tricks in the early 1970s, and MJ called him a few times to say thanks. More details are promised to the winning bidder.

Seller citbit336 is certain that she has written the first lyrics written in memory of Michael Jackson, that’s anyone has put up for sale on eBay, anyway. All she will share is the title — “Farewell King,” but she’s willing to reveal the rest to you for a minimum $50K bid. If you can’t go for that, she’s got lots of Mary Kay products you might like.

Naturally,  MJ-inspired fashions are popping up for sale. Like these adjustable belts. And a buttload of Beat It, Thriller and concert tour jackets.

There are a smattering of things that the gloved one actually wore. Since hats were long one of Jackson’s essential dance props, there are several bearing his official stamp for sale. Seller jackmsell has a signed Michael Jackson fedora, along with additional auctions for an autographed tour program and “other toys.” An undisclosed percentage of the proceeds will apparently go to the American Heart Association. A more audacious seller is asking $500,000 for a “Billie Jean hat” thrown from the stage during the 1984 “Victory” tour. Don’t care for hats? Try this $40K brooch.

Remember when Jackson’s hair caught on fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial? Commemorate those days with your own rare Hebrew Pepsi can. The starting bid is only $6,000!

Speaking of oddities, there’s also this 1984 Michael Jackson for President pin.

Phew! That’s all I can handle today.  If you’d like to further haunt yourself, try listening to these  a capella MJ songs.

UPDATE: Ebay has created its own Michael Jackson tribute page, another good starting point if you’re looking for MJ-related auctions.

Child star Harvey Stephens, who played little evil Damien Thorn in the original 1976 version of “The Omen,” has held onto the prop tricycle he rode into his on-screen mother (Lee Remick), causing her to fall over  a second-story banister. Four years ago, Stephens said he wouldn’t part with the piece of scary cinema history because he wanted to give it to his baby daughter,  but he began making public appearances with it earlier this year. The live auction will start with a $30,000 bid.

Hollywood dentist Henry R. Dwork wants to cash in on his little piece of film history – specifically, the molds he made for Linda Blair’s tongue extension and teeth, used in “The Exorcist.” If you were wondering, Dwork says he has also “assisted many of Hollywood’s biggest stars with all their necessary cosmetic dentistry, including: Robert DeNiro (for The Deer Hunter and The Untouchables), Sean Penn, Dustin Hoffman (for Marathon Man), John Belushi, Marlon Brando and Al Pacino (for the Godfather) and many more.” The doc is looking for $2,500 or best offer.

A seller by the name of “ectoplasm” has a number of props from the Hellraiser movies for sale, including one of the puzzle boxes used in the film, which apparently has some “secret” about it that will help the buyer verify that it’s legit. It also includes oversized corneal black contact lenses worn by “Pinhead” actor Doug Bradley, a resin bust of the creepy character, a hand-painted maquette of the “Pillar of Souls,” and a piece of prosthetic makeup that Bradley donned somewhere in between all of those shiny nails. With three days to go, the bidding currently stands at just under $1,400.

On the lighter side of soul suckage and cinematic carnage, the stop motion puppet used to portray Sigourney Weaver’s evil alter Hell hound ego in “Ghostbusters” is for sale. That live auction begins at $12K.

Visit the Original Linda Blair tongue and teeth molds from The Exorcist auction.

Visit the Hellraiser Pinhead bust and rare movie prop puzzle box.

Visit the Harvey Stephens Damien tricycle from The Omen auction.

Visit the Terror dog stop motion puppet from Ghostbusters auction.

When plates and silverware were left outside of the King’s room, it was “MAHAM!” [sic], but at least one employee procured a single dirty fork, took it home, and gave it to his sister-in-law, who was bonkers for Elvis. The fork in question has been wrapped in plastic ever since because “there are still particles of food on it that has dryed on it.”

Sellers are asking for one million dollars or the best offer they can get.

Visit the “An actual fork Elvis Presley ate off of” auction.

You can bid on a preserved copy of the game on eBay.

Visit the 1977 Crab Trap auction.

The listing describes it as “the tackiest Tijuana Black Velvet of them all, an original hand-painted black velvet painting of Satan, The Father of Lies, using the facilities, aka ‘The Devil on the Can On Black Velvet.’” It also takes care to make sure no one mixes up this black velvet painting artist with those who sold black velvet portraits of various Republican politicians at the 1996 Republican National Convention.

Visit the Velvet Devil on the Toilet Auction.

It’s the perfect gift for anyone who likes to discuss feminist pedagogy with college football players.

Visit Barbie Doll in Hell auction.