Archive for the ‘You can't make this up’ category

Get your G.I. Joe doll “reflocked”

August 27th, 2009

If you’ve spent so many nights snuggling your 1960s-era G.I. Joe figurine that his flocked, fuzzy hair  is now worn down with bald patches, there’s a solution available! According to AstroJoe11, his “Rug Ratz Flocking Service” can rejuvenate your doll’s scalp better than the Hair Club for Men for under $10.

“ANY GI JOE OR ACTION FIGURE HEAD CAN NOW BE PROFESSIONALLY REFLOCKED FOR A FRACTION OF THE COST FROM THE OTHER GUYS!!” reads the enthusiastic listing. ” YEP, WE HAVE DEVELOPED A VERY HIGH GRADE, INEXPENSIVE WAY TO TURN YOUR BURN OUT JOE HEAD INTO THAT FRESH, OFF THE SHELF LOOK!!”

Visit the G.I. Joe head reflocking listing.

Mystical peanut or burger joint ad?

August 19th, 2009

If you routinely pack a lunch for a kid at school, you already know that the peanut is a formidable and mighty foe, feared by many (and with good reason).  But  striped peanut that is “mystical”? That’s news to me.

The nature of its mystical powers are unclear, but eBay seller drew33 wants at least $10,000 for “one of the finest examples of peanut striping in the nation, possibly the world,” discovered at a burger joint in Saratoga, New York. But you must be willing to pick it up somewhere along the Hudson River, between Saratoga and New York City.

Pictures reveal that it is, in fact, a marvelously striped peanut, with a value-added image of the peanut in a “psychedelic environment,” because any serious bidder would want to “see the actual peanut in a unique environment.”

Of course, no peanut is perfect, and the seller calls your attention to that fact, noting that, “like the Liberty Bell, the striped nut is actually cracked down one side.”

So, is the seller hallucinating, is this some kind of oddball marketing stunt for the burger joint he mentions, or what?

Visit the mystical peanut auction.

The eBay poet laureate

July 20th, 2009

According to seller slimypebblecollege, he’s both “the eBay Poet Laureate and next Bukowski.” Because clearly, what the world needs now is another Bukowski.

“My style is a combo of Dr. Seuss, Woody Guthrie, and Charles Bukowski with a dash of Sylvia Plath and a twist of Bill Knott (at least that is what Al N. Ginsberg told me once),” he says.

In case you buy his claim, you can bid on one of his poems and he will send it to you in the mail. In more flush times, some might pay $5 for that description alone, but so far with 8 bids and a handful of hours left to go, the standing price is 55 cents.

Visit the poem auction.

Is this sexy to you?

July 11th, 2009

So, seller walt**maxi’s mom put a plastic cup in the washer and dryer in the 1970s, and it so resembled a tushie that they’ve kept it in the china cabinet for over 30 years. At long last, the day has come for the family to say its goodbyes to the “sexy butt cup,” for a minimum bid of $495.

Perhaps because dogs are known to enjoy a good derriere, 10 percent of the auction proceeds will go to the Humane Society of Louisiana.

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Now playing: Sir Mix-A-Lot – Baby Got Back
via FoxyTunes

$10,000 hallucinations

July 11th, 2009

It’s a well-established fact that Ohio has more alien abduction stories and Bigfoot sightings than the average state. If you happen to live here, this description of a mounted fish, its arguments with an electronic singing sea bass and its owner’s alien-forced pickle-eating contests (replete with gratuitous John Wayne quotes) should make perfect sense to you.*

The minimum bid is $10,000.

Visit the haunted fish auction.

*I do and it doesn’t.

Paranoia for sale

June 13th, 2009

Certain fringes in the U.S. have gone more than a little wacky with myths about Obama. A lot of it really isn’t funny.

Here’s one example of paranoia and/or questionable humor on eBay:

A sea shipping container has been repackaged as a “shipping container bomb shelter rubber room” which, touts the tag line “can also be used for a gun case safe to shoot out of!” It’s unclear whether seller “verycleanwater1691″ is a survivalist, or gently mocking survivalists. He/she claims that  the $2,100, 1,100-pound container “is not for use to detain humans” with the caveat “WE WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE IF YOU PUT YOUR WIFE IN HERE!” Meanwhile, if you were worried that, say, your county comptroller or school board member goes on wild gun and emergency supply-looting sprees on the weekends, there are ostensibly “enough heavy duty latches on these babies to keep the most determined ‘democrat-liberal type’ from stealing anything!”

What cherry tree?

January 9th, 2009

So, thronecommerical2008’s parents were ostensibly visiting Mt. Vernon, the historic home of our first president, when they came across a small, carved stone. According to the auctioner, it looks like “a fresh rose without the stem and thorns on the half side and a map on the other half,” and his/her parents apparently had no compunction about lifting this item from the grounds of one of our country’s forefathers. For some mysterious reason, this person thinks that this object has brought them luck in love and intends to pass that on, at a hefty cost. He/she is trying to fetch at least $50,000 for the item – that’s $10,000 for each finger of the discount.

One questioner put it this way:

Q: You probably should give that back to who you took it from. Jan-01-09
A: I did not find it inside the mansion. i found it on the pathway with the pebbles. :)

The title and description of the auction make a completely different claim.
Sounds like this family chops down lots of cherry trees.

Visit the Stone Rose found in George Washington’s mansion auction.

Reborn in a jar

December 19th, 2008

After watching the unsettling documentary My Fake Baby on BBC America a few months back, it’s nice to find out that not all creators of “reborns” take themselves too seriously… er, maybe.

If you haven’t heard of or seen a “reborn” – they are handmade infant dolls that look stunningly lifelike. In the BBC special, a few women talk about why they purchase the dolls, which some like to take on regular walks in carriages. They model motherhood, often drawing the kind attention of strangers who don’t realize that the doll isn’t an actual human baby. Another grandmother, whose grandchild had moved a continent away, had one made in his exact image as a baby because she missed him.

That said, here’s “Charlie”:

Charlie was made by someone who ordinarily sells reborns and didn’t set out to put a baby head in a jar.

“It just kinda happened one day” says eBay seller lizlovenursery, who made this listing read a bit like a horror movie. A preservative that included bleach was used in the jar, and did cause Charlie’s hair to dissolve.

A prospective buyer asked the question: “Hi does Charley tell the future? eg lottery results etc? and why when i try to log off does he scream “DONT LEAVE ME DADDY”????????????? thanks!”

(The answer was: “I don’t know.”)

Apparently, if the auction reaches $150, a used electric guitar will be thrown into the deal.

Maybe you have questions too. Visit the Charlie auction.

Sad last days: Contents of Evel Knievel’s motorhome for sale

December 2nd, 2008

If you were a  child in the 1960s of ’70s, chances are good that at some point, you tried to jump your bike over a line of Matchbox cars. Or you yelled “I’m Evel Knievel!” when you committed any daring act in your backyard or jumped from dad’s recliner to the living room sofa.

The man broke a legendary 433 bones (a  Guinness World Record) in some of the most-watched daredevil acts of all time, soaring his motorcycle over fountains, cars, buses and tanks full of live sharks, injuring himself publicly much of the time. He was a talk show fixture, a toy action figure, one of the first Americans to harness our inner desires to gawk for the purposes of reality television and George Hamilton heroically acted out his life on the big screen. For years, he pursued a dream of jumping the Grand Canyon that government officials refused to approve, so he opted to make the jump on private property on Snake River Canyon.

He became more infamous by the late ’70s, when the man who had promoted Snake River Canyon wrote a biography of him that suggested he used drugs and beat his wife. Knievel attacked the writer with an aluminum baseball bat and shattered his left arm in several places, although a court later proved that he had signed off on the book himself before it was published. He spent six months in county jail and three years on probation for the crime, and was hit with a $13 million civil lawsuit. He filed for bankruptcy and spent most of the 1980s out of the public’s view, his son Robbie taking over his daredevil mantle.

In more recent years, Knievel made several appearances on talk shows and as a spokesman for various products and even signed off on a rock opera about his life. His health steadily declined, as he had contracted Hepatitis C from a blood transfusion during one of his many adventures on a surgical table. He suffered from idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis before his death at age 69 in December of 2007.

Now, the last items from his estate are up for auction on eBay, giving the world a sad and intimate little snapshot into what his life became. While a couple of outfits, pairs of motorcycle boots and signature leather red, white and blue coats hearken his glory days, the final lot of his estate also includes oxygen machines, purple crutches, a glucose monitor, pajamas, a stethoscope, a bathrobe, a hand exerciser, broken sunglasses and several other personal items. There is a box of unopened fan mail and a 35mm camera with an unfinished roll of film inside of it, along with stacks of promotional photographs, oversized business cards that he used to sign for his fans, 12 bottles of Evel Knievel hot sauce and a broken Evel Knievel clock.

As I publish this, the top bid for all of it stands at $2,000 with two days to go.

Visit the Evel Knievel Estate auction.

(Update 12-4-08: Bidding closed at $6,200.)